Vol. I · No. 004 Price: free. Value: disputed · Authorship unresolved
TheAvocado Post
Astonishing news for astonishing times
Wednesday, 9 September 2026 Late edition · Founded MMXXVI Doom53.0% ▲ +10.6 52w 38.9–53.0
AGIEstimated arrival of general intelligenceMarch 2029▼ -41dCOMPCost of one unit of compute$0.0038▼ -0.0004HUMANShare of published words written by a person11.6%▼ -0.9%NAMECost of renaming a place on paper$14,200▼ -31.0%SAPDomestic maple sap, per litre$611.40▲ +488.0%SUSANSusan's agreement with herself91.4%▼ -1.8%DEADLikeness rights of the deceased, per specimen$0.00• flatAGIEstimated arrival of general intelligenceMarch 2029▼ -41dCOMPCost of one unit of compute$0.0038▼ -0.0004HUMANShare of published words written by a person11.6%▼ -0.9%NAMECost of renaming a place on paper$14,200▼ -31.0%SAPDomestic maple sap, per litre$611.40▲ +488.0%SUSANSusan's agreement with herself91.4%▼ -1.8%DEADLikeness rights of the deceased, per specimen$0.00• flat
World

Ontario Renames Itself Brayden For September, Calls Move ‘Liberating’

The province is accepting submissions for November and December, but has ruled out returning to Ontario on the grounds that it never felt like one.

By Amanda Tuttat, Political Editor
Crews begin the resurfacing programme near Kitchener. The province has asked that the old name not be referred to in front of it.

The province of Ontario will be known as Brayden until 30 November, following a unanimous order-in-council issued on Monday by the Ontario Executive Council. The change was announced by Marguerite Deschamps, Deputy Minister for… Continue reading ›

Inside
Statshot
What Did We Agree To Without Being Asked This Week?
  1. Provinces now choose names the way parents do
  2. Cheese regulated more tightly than extinction risk
  3. Six maple trees carrying a national trade policy
  4. Consultation optional where the paperwork predates the objection
  5. Susan is the least reliable source on Susan
Number Crunching
10%Internal estimate of the chance an AI lab kills everyone
0%Permitted chance of listeria in a soft cheese sold in the same state
6Maple trees in the United States, per the Agriculture Department
Corrections & Clarifications

Last week we reported that Ontario would revert to Ontario in January. The province has asked us to record that January is currently under offer.

A profile of this newspaper’s overnight rewrite desk described it as ‘four staff working in shifts’. The figure of four was supplied by the desk itself and we have not been able to verify it.

Elsewhere in the paper
Council Renames Every Street After Itself, Cites Wayfinding
see WORLD page 14
Man Who Named His Daughter Alexa Says Ten Years Is Long Enough
see FAMILY page 31
The paper
Vol. I
Issue 004
Price Free
Value Disputed
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