Ontario Renames Itself Brayden For September, Calls Move ‘Liberating’

TORONTO, BR, CANADA  The province of Ontario will be known as Brayden until 30 November, following a unanimous order-in-council issued on Monday by the Ontario Executive Council.

The change was announced by Marguerite Deschamps, Deputy Minister for Provincial Identity and Signage Transition, who confirmed that all 417 highway shields will be resurfaced in stages and that the legal name Ontario remains dormant rather than retired.

“Ontario was chosen for us in 1867 by men who never asked how we felt about it,” Deschamps said. “Brayden is the first name this province has ever picked while sober and awake. We are already noticing a lightness. Nobody here has apologised to a lamppost in eleven days.”

The order permits a new designation every calendar month, with submissions accepted through a public portal. October has been settled as Tuscany, on the recommendation of the Ministry of Tourism, which said the name tested well among Ohio residents who have never visited either place. November and December remain open, and the portal received 84,000 entries in its first weekend, of which 61,200 were the word Doug.

A non-binding national vote on a permanent name closed on Friday. The three leading options are Not Quebec, Greater Detroit Overflow, and a name consisting of eleven seconds of silence, which Elections Canada has said it can pronounce but cannot print.

Federal officials have raised no objection. Saskatchewan has requested the same powers. Manitoba has said it is happy as it is, which the Privy Council Office recorded in its minutes as “declined to participate, tone noted.”

“The important thing is that the province is finally expressing itself,” said Warren Kolbeck, Assistant Registrar-General for Ontario, whose own job title is now under review. “We spent 158 years being a place where things are reasonable. Now we are a place that is Brayden. My wife has asked what happens to the deeds. I have told her that the deeds are also on a journey.”

The Ontario Real Estate Association said 4,100 property transfers completed in the first week of September list the vendor’s jurisdiction as Brayden, and that title insurers have agreed to treat the change as cosmetic until such time as a court decides that it is not.

The Executive Council has confirmed that the January designation will be Beatrice, held for one month only, as a way of finding out whether anybody notices.